I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
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Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
good work, detective
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*