The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
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My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
guilty
My first son he is wonderful
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.