My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
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Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I am patiently waiting for your email
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not