If we get pulled over this beer is yours.
Me: How was the party last night?
17: It was fun. The cops came.
17: Nah, it’s cool. We got away.
Me: That’s my girl.
*opens new donut shop called “The Gym”*
Me: I made you a playlist…
Her: OMG! THAT’S SO ROMANTIC!
Me: It only has songs about food.
Don’t like me? You’ll come around.
– Onion Rings
Just heard a lady in Target scream “WE DON’T BUY THINGS JUST TO BUY THINGS” at her kids and now I kinda wish she’d have a talk with me also.
Oh you’re in the shower? Here’s the seven worst songs from your playlist.
– shuffle mode
[sanitation worker knocks at my door]
The amount of McDonald’s related trash we’re collecting from your home each week has us concerned.
I love getting kisses from my dogs but, I’m starting to worry about the one who keeps trying to give me the slow tongue.
*puts arm around you*
You’ve been burned before but, you’re safe with me. Let your gaurd down, girl.
*steals your pizza*