“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
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I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That鈥檚 okay. I鈥檇 really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it鈥檚 not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don鈥檛 do that
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
馃幎 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 馃幎
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I鈥檓 going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I鈥檓 fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it