Me: How was the party last night?

17: It was fun. The cops came.

Me: What???

17: Nah, it’s cool. We got away.

Me: That’s my girl.


*opens new donut shop called “The Gym”*

You’re welcome.


Me: I made you a playlist…


Me: It only has songs about food.


Don’t like me? You’ll come around.

– Onion Rings


Just heard a lady in Target scream “WE DON’T BUY THINGS JUST TO BUY THINGS” at her kids and now I kinda wish she’d have a talk with me also.


Oh you’re in the shower? Here’s the seven worst songs from your playlist.

– shuffle mode


[sanitation worker knocks at my door]

The amount of McDonald’s related trash we’re collecting from your home each week has us concerned.


I love getting kisses from my dogs but, I’m starting to worry about the one who keeps trying to give me the slow tongue.


*puts arm around you*

You’ve been burned before but, you’re safe with me. Let your gaurd down, girl.

*steals your pizza*