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we did it you guys we saved daylight
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesnβt look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
βWaitress!β
Waitress: βSir?β
βCould you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolenβ
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, βYouβre not going to believe this but you are driving a car right nowβ
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] isβ¦is that bad?
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were NestlΓ© Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.