you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
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Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I