Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
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Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
@ candidates for local office
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
#Caturday
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.