My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”