Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.