Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.