The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.