Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
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why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️