Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
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“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Where is your GOD now????
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.