In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
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My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House