I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
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[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
absolute chaos
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
🥶🥶🐶🐶
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.