me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
You Might Also Like
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I am never leaving this website
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.