being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
huge valentines day plans this year!!
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat