(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
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If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
stop
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too