me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
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Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
HBO
HBO GO
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HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.