Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
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[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She鈥檚 my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That鈥檚 biologically impossible.
M: No it鈥檚 not.
*My son is 16.
I鈥檝e decided today I鈥檓 following the lead of my 2 yr old and I鈥檓 just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don鈥檛 do shopping carts
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 馃檪
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 馃檨
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Pop up from someone鈥檚 backseat to show you care.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?