yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
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*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay