my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
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Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*