If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.
My husband really loves our new couch. In fact, he loves it so much he called me his exwife’s name just so he could sleep on it.
One of these days you’ll see the real me.
Probably next week. I’m almost out of concealer.
Skinny friend: Bananas are super high in sugar. Why would you eat them if you want to lose weight?
Me: Good point.
*Grabs Kit Kat
Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away!
Well grandma, that’s how organ donation works.
Apparently telling the principal that “it’s not cheating, it’s cooperative learning” was the wrong thing to say.