Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
You Might Also Like
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse