Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
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*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
The little toadstool has spoken.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Room with a view.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise