me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to