The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.