@kimlockhartga

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

@kimlockhartga

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

@kimlockhartga

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

@kimlockhartga

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

@kimlockhartga

2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.

2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.

@kimlockhartga

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

@kimlockhartga

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

@kimlockhartga

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.