sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw