{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
so this horse walks into a bar
went fishing caught a bass
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.