The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.