Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.