Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us

Page of kimtopher22's best tweets

@kimtopher22 : When I was in college, my mother didn't sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

@kimtopher22: "I'll take you for a walk when I'm damn well good and ready!" I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

@kimtopher22: If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it's practically guaranteed.

@kimtopher22: My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that's how you keep people from visiting your house.

@kimtopher22: You know that song "Happy" by Pharrell? That's how annoying I am.

@kimtopher22: To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

@kimtopher22: If you can't be with the one you love, stab the one you're with.

@kimtopher22: I've been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I'm eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

@kimtopher22: Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

@kimtopher22: Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.