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Page of kimtopher22's best tweets

@kimtopher22 : You know that song "Happy" by Pharrell? That's how annoying I am.

@kimtopher22: To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

@kimtopher22: If you can't be with the one you love, stab the one you're with.

@kimtopher22: I've been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I'm eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

@kimtopher22: Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

@kimtopher22: Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

@kimtopher22: Like my mama always said, "May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you're dead."

@kimtopher22: My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

@kimtopher22: I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

@kimtopher22: I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.