@kimtopher22: To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
@kimtopher22: I've been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I'm eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
@kimtopher22: Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
@kimtopher22: Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
@kimtopher22: Like my mama always said, "May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you're dead."
@kimtopher22: My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
@kimtopher22: I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
@kimtopher22: I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.