Fidel Castro was alive?
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story