one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too