People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
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8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I hope Alan is OK
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
some things should go without saying
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.