[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
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Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I’m giving up ice.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me