doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
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fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.