Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 馃檨
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.