My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
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Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
At least try to make it slightly believable
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.