If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?