Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.