I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
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Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?