[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.