*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
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The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.