[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
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Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Hmm, not sure about this change
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high