[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
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Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for