I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.