[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
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the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014