In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
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When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
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I know
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!