My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.