Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.