If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
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“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…